Los Azul del Taller (The Workshop Blues)

Damn, this is getting stale. The job search thing, that is.

For the last week, I've spent the majority of each day at the local Career Center, taking "workshops" (i.e., one-day classes) on the fine art of locating employment. They’re free, thank God. I've done workshops on writing resumes and cover letters, networking, negotiating salaries and even a "mock" videotaped job interview. What did Johnny learn?

☻ When speaking, I shouldn’t use so many hand gestures. I look like I’m flagging in 747’s on a runway at O’Hare Field.

☻ When speaking, I shouldn’t say “um” when I pause to think of an answer. I don’t just say “um”. I say, “UUUUUUUUMMMMMMMM. . .” which makes me sound not like the careful, thoughtful job applicant I mean to be, but rather, a Hoover upright vacuum cleaner with a clogged suction hose.

☻ Like Sting once sang, I’m not alone in being alone. Those workshops were chockfull o’ folks in need of jobs. The smallest (the mock interview) had eight people in it; the largest (resume writing) boasted a class of twenty-five students. Most of them were in their middle to late forties. Most were white-collar or skilled workers. Examples: a former college recruiter who had been job-hunting for 20 months, a machine parts salesman with 10+ years experience and a master printer, who specialized in silkscreen printing. Do me a favor. If you hear anyone say the economy is recovering, yell “BULLSHIT!” just before you kick them in the ass. I’m kidding, of course. Don’t kick them in the ass. (Unless you truly feel like doing so.)

☻ In the resume writing workshop, I met a 30ish woman I’ll call “Dulcinea.” She was laid off from a clerical job six months ago. A recent college grad currently working part-time as a telemarketer, Dulcinea is trying to get a job in the medical transcription field. She and I struck up a pleasant conversation, in which she mentioned the other workshops she’d signed up for that week. By “coincidence”—i.e., frantic last-minute rescheduling once I’d found out which workshops—I had signed up for the same exact ones! How kooky!

Did I mention that Dulcinea is single? And has a spicy Brazilian accent? And bears a striking resemblance to actress Salma Hayek? ¡Muy atractivo! ¡Despiertan a Juan muy!

Sometimes, you have to make your own good news. I have two other workshops with Dulcinea next week.