Thursday, September 01, 2005

Stuff I Don't Want to Hear About Until Next Summer List

Drugs, doctors, physical therapy, doctors, therapy and drugs. I'll be sure to check in with my thoughts on these delightful subjects (and Lord, I've got a mother-lode, stay tuned!) once I've fully emerged from my Vicodin haze. In the meantime, I figured I'd help put a big period to this wild n' crazy summer with the above-mentioned list...

Okay, okay. I know lists are cheating. But admit it, they are kind of fun. All right then, humor your drug-addled correspondent. You can at least concede that these people/things got way too much coverage this summer. In the interest of sanity, let's all agree that they shouldn't be mentioned again until the next time you see flip-flops on sale at Wal-Mart.

1.) Tom Cruise

2.) Katie Holmes

3.) Tom Cruise and/or Katie Holmes. To anyone over age 12, this relationship/business deal looked phonier than William Shatner's toupee from the get-go.

4.) The well-meaning-but-ultimately-vague-in-conception-and-somewhat-disappointing-in-execution-won't-be-remembered-in-20-years-like-Live-Aid-do-you-think-Bush-and-Blair-actually-watched-it-how-did-MTV-bungle-Pink-Floyd's-segment-hope-they-got-whatever-they-wanted-from-this-event known as "Live 8".
Living proof that you can't reheat a souffle, not even with the best of intentions. Sorry, Gen Y, but this counts as your first cultural/generational phawkup. U2 kicked Coldplay's ass. Next time, pull out those iPod earplugs and listen to your Baby Boomer parents' stories about Woodstock, so you'll know how to run a proper rock festival.

5.) Paris Hilton

6.) Paris Hilton's feud with Nicole Richie. What is it about these two untalented, spoiled, clueless brats that rivets America's attention? Well, besides that? In 20 years, they'll be dueling Janice Dickinsons. And yes, the fact that I know who Janice is says that reality TV, in general, belongs on this list, too.

7.) The heat. It's summer, for Christ's sake. All bitching about the cold is strictly forbidden until at least November. Midwesterners, you know who you are!

8.) Any and all crappy movies. Again, it's summer, for Christ's sake. Hollywood's "Let's Fob Our Junk Off on the Multiplexes" season. Like baseball, it's a summer tradition.

9.) Z-list celebrities ballroom dancing. It wasn't that good (except when Kelly What's-Her-Name's top "accidentally" fell off). Evander Holyfield, what happened? Could a fox-trotting Mike Tyson be far behind? Yeeesh!

10.) All the old 1960s peaceniks weaselling in on Cindy Sheehan's protest down in Crawford, Texas. Joan Baez, Ritchie Havens, Pete Seeger, etc.,"Kum Bi Yah" your way back to wherever you came from. We'll catch you on "Swinging Sixties Memories" during the next PBS fund-drive. A mother's grief is not a photo-op (except perhaps, depending on how you view the issue, for that mother).

There have been so many overexposed people/things this summer, I couldn't remember them all. Feel free to chime in with yours. I'll be back with a real post, I promise, ASAP. Gotta go now, 'cause I have a date with a physical therapist.

Hey, get your mind out of the gutter!


Anonymous JQ said...

I think you forgot to mention anybody who goes on vacation to Aruba and doesn't come back...

11:28 AM  
Blogger Doggie Extraordinaire's Mom said...

Physical therapy? Is that what the kids are calling it these days?

I feel bad -- I didn't know about three of the things on your list until after they were over. Those freakality shows are driving me nuts and I watch the Discovery Channel exclusively now.

Can we add the Brad and Jennifer breakup to your list?

Oh, and despite my love of your blog and your writing, I'm gonna continue complaining about the heat until it snows. I hate the summer! I'm doing my best to move farther north, but jobs (as you know) are not aplenty anywhere. :(

Get better soon. Your posts are too seldom!

2:35 PM  

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